What I want to explore in this post is the fact that it took me about two weeks to be figure out a man I had been communicating was abusive--and for me--what a toxic intoxicating brew it is.
Still.
After all I went through with my ex-husband. After all I know about how I grew up and how far away from normal that was. I saw it first with the woman who I report to in my current job. I would get shaky and all out of sorts when she would attack me. I was unable to walk away, realize it was her problem and carry on. I couldn't understand why my work wasn't good enough. Why she snarled at me. It took me a while to figure out that I was constantly reacting to her negativity, her abuse, as if I a tightly wound set of guitar strings lay in wait for her to pluck at her leisure for enjoyment.
Awareness is the door to change. It has to be. But with her, it took me a while to open that door. And even then, it took a lot of focus and hard work to not get taken in by her noxious clouds. I had to be ever vigilant. And things got better, easier to walk away and shake my head at her bullshit.
I think what freaks me about this encounter with Z was that he slid under my radar like a stealthy snake, his soft melodic hissing putting me in a trance. This taught me that I need to be vigilant, ever aware and . . . awake. So I can stomp on the snake that sneaks out from under my own feet....leading me down a dark path that I wish not to revisit.
@Luragana
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8 comments:
I'm glad you caught it in time. What a disaster that would have been.
But are you sure he slipped under your radar or did you have it turned off hoping there wasn't anything bad to see?
Though I was raised in an abusive - and incredibly neglectful - environment, I've only had one relationship that mirrored the abuse - and even then it was only verbal (not that that's any less damaging). I tend to draw in the neglect.
I think you should look at this as a step in the right direction. You caught it at two weeks this time. It will take smaller and smaller amounts of time to recognize the signs until you can spot them a mile away - before you even engage the person in conversation.
In my humble opinion... :)
Jay, the point I attempted to make is that --- people are drawn to the familiarand that I thought I was so beyond that. But what it taught me was that I need to always be aware of those "trigger."
Stephanie, I think you are right. As I told Jay, I just want to be more alert. TY.....(we share yet something else in common I see)
Oh my God - you have no idea how much I identify with this post!
COTW, one of the greatest benefits of blogging to me is that I don't feel so damned ... alone. Glad to see you back....hope all is well.
I read your blog from time to time, but rarely post a comment. This one seemed to strike a chord , as I have a friend who is very lonely and does the online date thing. She has had a similar experience. The best thing one can do , I think is to discontinue contact, as it seems to me that this relationship will bear no fruit. You are an intelligent, articulate, and attractive woman and with time you will find who is best suited to you.
Good Luck in your search
I am proud of you for recognizing you need to be vigilant and aware. Always.
I am also proud of you for catching on to his REAL GAME in only two weeks. Everyone puts on their BEST FACE when its new. Sometimes the abusiveness takes MONTHS to show up and then, things are really bad.
So, I'd like to remind you, that YOU are indeed AWESOMESAUCE.
Crisis averted. Whew. I know what you mean, though. Sometimes I am sucked in by the verbal abuse thing as my Dad was incredibly abusive. What a hold our pasts can have on us. Sounds like you're breaking free. YAY!
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