My life is fleeting by--all of ours--in seconds. I'm angry that I've wasted so much time, so much time. What do I want? What do I wish?
I spent so much time grieving, crying, in pain and unrest. In worry, in confict, in anger and angst. I've thrown it away like left-over cotton candy at the fair.
What do I want? What do I wish?
And if I could ever answer those questions, do I have the courage to go after what I want? To live the life I want?
Do you?
©L'uragana
Posts
11 comments:
i am feeling the same way today.. found out an inlaw of my sisters has lung cancer.. and something like that always makes me think about how i fritter away the days worrying about things i have little or no control over.. i am trying to become more mindful of the good things in my life,, not only notice them but truly be thankful for them.. life is too short.. maybe i have what i want and i am just not smart enough to embrace it...
I don't know....do any of us know? I want to get present to life ....more than when I hear about an illness or death (sorry to hear that, by the way). I want to live the life I want to live....but like a lot of humans....I'm scared. Scared of the unknown which is compounded by things in my past -- I am afraid of the unknown because of the past...and because I continue to allow it to affect me. I need to give all of that shit up. I need to be brave.
Your questions bring me back to this poem...one I ponder often:
Risk
by Anaïs Nin
And then the day came,
when the risk to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took to Blossom.
Jonas, that poem has flitted in and out out my life at various times. Her words move me to tears -- sometimes more than others. There have been times I've been desperate to be at the precipice.
I'm not in "pain" persay -- it's just that growing, clawing, gnawing grit in the clam shell feeling. I need to foster up the courage to take the risks....and I don't want to wait until it becomes unbearable....does that make sense?
This makes me think of the title of a book by Dan Eldon. "The journey is the destination.
I guess the point (using your cotton candy anology) isn't that you've "thrown it away like left-over cotton candy at the fair", but that you were at the fair enjoying some cotton candy.
I've also been reading alot about Buddhism lately and one of the things Buddha said was that the key to happiness is wanting what you have, and not what you don't have.
I think my time has passed me by. I feel too old now to try and grasp the things I really want. Most of all I think I lack the confidence.
Often the words 'If at first I don't suceed...." fleet through my mind. Too many times life has just let me down for various reasons.
Maybe, I'm not totally content but I'm settling for what I've got. But if courage takes a big enough bite at my ass one day, who knows.
Does that make sense, you ask? Of course it does. It makes sense to any sentient being who understands that Living is not a passive pursuit, mere spectator sport. The hunger, ache, fire in the belly and grit in the shell are good and necessary things for they compel and propel us.
Here's the thing (and please don't shoot the messenger), it never gets easier. For every challenge there's another and then another and then a few more. And all the while Time, the Great Thief, picks our pockets of skills and courage.
Life ain't for the faint-hearted. But it's still the best game in town.
We all need to summon the courage to take risks. I think what you put up here takes tremendous courage, more than I have.
Is it a waste of time to cry and grieve? Because it means you've been putting yourself in a position to expereince loss, a necessary risk.
But I have to tell you - in my world there is no such thing as "leftover" cotton candy.
Whenever I am beset by doubts and fears that my life will be for naught, I remember this quote by Ursula K. Le Guin -
'It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end.'
I try to remember that as much as I can.
Jonas, I could never shoot the messenger....(although I may rail against the logic). And I agree...it is the best game in town. And I'm playing...
Anonymous, you are too, too kind. But I appreciate the support. I do.
SAW, necesssary losses, I know. I just think I've wasted time fretting over things I should have just have pushed past through....LOL...about the candy.
Sel, I agree. It is the journey. I just don't want to waste any of it....our journey's are all so...short.
Post a Comment